Today my daughter-in-law returns to work after having our first grandchild. We are all anxious about the transition for her, the baby and daddy. I wish that I lived closer so I could help with her childcare, but I know that every thing will work out as I, too, was a working mom as many women are. I also wonder if my daughter-in-law would be happy at home for the next 5 years. She was in touch with her coworkers daily, and kept herself involved in the business of her job by helping create programs and curriculum (she is an educator) while she was home. Her maternity leave was extended by a need for surgery after the baby was about 8 weeks old, so she has had more time with our little one than most moms. Fears of course abound because I am sure she is questioning her decision to return to work, and while it might be motivated more by financial needs at this time in her life, she will probably admit to herself later that she enjoys working and the every day challenges of that. I am sure she shed tears this morning as she left her baby in the care of a virtual stranger (although the care giver comes highly recommended, keeps mostly teachers’ children, and is close to work) as any mother would. My heart feels her pain.
I remember when I returned to work after the births of my children, but each experience was different. I was a young mother when my first child was born. I had just completed college and had decided I would not work, but I substituted in the school district where we lived during my pregnancy and enjoyed it immensely. I had heeded my mother’s advice about taking education courses “just in case you want work and there are no editing jobs” were her words. I had not completed the certification process required by law to be a teacher; none the less, I enjoyed being in public education and I met several key individuals in the district. My daughter was born in April and all was well until about August. I began to have a sense of isolation. I searched for that group of people with whom I could have conversations about things other than sports, politics and motherhood. I longed to explore and learn more about the world. Reading (this was before Internet existed) was not enough. I needed to discuss and cuss the topic with others. So I was intrigued by the offer of a a teaching job by one of those key individuals I had met while substituting. I was indeed ready to leave my child in the care of someone else, so I could work. Luckily I found a nanny who would be an absolute blessing for me and my child. Later my daughter would attend church affiliated pre-kindergarten programs for socialization with others her age, but our nanny was like a member of the family, and I know our daughter loved her. Of course, I felt the tug sometimes to stay home with her, but the beauty of teaching was that I could be home by 4:30 (until I began coaching and sponsoring different organizations) and I had some time in the summer (although summer vacation equated to about four weeks free of any obligations) and we had holidays. Routine set in and I accepted my role as mother, wife and teacher. And then the second child was born.
He arrived the last week in June. I was thankful I did not have to take maternity leave, but I would begin school with a six weeks old infant, and that made all the difference. I think I cried the first two weeks, but as I look back now I wonder if that was more from sleep deprivation than from anxiety. Our situation with our nanny had changed as she decided to complete her education (with whole hearted approval from us). We advertised and interviewed several before choosing a young woman who lived with her parents because of a minor handicap. She had excellent references from her church where she kept the nursery and from individuals who had used her baby sitting services. Her parents lived just a few blocks from us, so we felt very comfortable with her, but that did not end my angst about returning to work. Once school began, I dreaded the mornings. Our nanny would arrive at our home, so I could be at work my usual forty-five minutes early (I used the time to organize, plan and grade.), but I began leaving home later and later. I spent the extra time crying and then recovering from crying. I remember thinking that I didn’t want someone else to raise my child. I wanted to. I didn’t think I felt guilty about leaving my daughter, but I acknowledged that I had missed moments in her life that others got to experience. I didn’t want that again. AS I discussed these feelings with others and my husband, rational thought returned, and I knew I would be unhappy if I did not work. While our nanny situation did not work out as well as our first, our son is now a productive happy man who faces the same challenges with his tearful wife as his father did. I do believe that I rationalized the need to work, but even today I feel that decision was somewhat selfish on my part. Financially, I could have made it work, but I knew deep down that I had to have more than being home with my children would afford me. Maybe technology would have helped me as I would have had more connection to ongoing conversations about those subjects I have interest. I know this dilemma faces many new mothers today, and I am sure it is pure agony for them to make the decision to work or stay home. That decision will never be an easy one.
I am thinking of you today and always my sweet precious grandchild and my anxiety filled and tear stained daughter-in-law. Routine will help and the smile on the baby’s face when you pick her up at the end of the day will be the glue that keeps it all together.
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